In reading the news a few days ago, I came across the story and was thoroughly disgusted as was I am sure the majority of the rest of the working population to read about the new Yahoo CEO and her edict that telecommuting would no longer be allowed.

The word “Yahoo” being both ironic and fitting in this case. I was going to just call her an idiot, but I digress. Lets just call her a yahoo.

To be fair, or at least make an attempt at it, I will say that if you are going to be employed somewhere, sooner or later it is probably a good idea to show up in person, and even going a bit farther, it’s probably a good idea to do it on a semi-regular basis.

However, (and this is a big “However.” You need to emphasize the pause and the change in pitch of your voice-mind when reading this, hence the italics, OK.? Ready? Lets try again:), However, that doesn’t mean that everyone in every job capacity can be assumed to fall under the some sort of optimal efficiency and productivity umbrella just because they are forced to be on-site. Now I honestly don’t know much if anything about Yahoo the corporation, but I have dealt with my share of Yahoo managers, and dare I say that in my experience blanket policies such as this tend to produce results that are about as measurable as a shotgun blast into a high wind.

That is not to say that they might not see a measure of increased productivity, but did anyone over there consider the potentially damaging but unmeasurable backlash that may occur not because of the policy itself but because of the outright hypocrisy of this elitist one percenter? Has it not occurred to any of those yahoos that while she breastfeeds her child in the comfort and privacy of her own little corporate nursery the unfortunate babies of Yahoo employees will be consuming either frozen milk or formula in a day care somewhere, fed by a caregiver just so that the mother can be in line with corporate policy.

This of course, has to do with the subject of this woman’s new baby and the nursery that she built next to her office. It’s reported that she paid for it herself, as if this was a one time expense. It’s a pity that the prevailing mediocrity of news journalism either is just to ignorant to understand that in the business world every square foot of commercial space equates to a running cost per month, or (worse) the writers just figure that the general population that reads the news is too ignorant to comprehend this anyway. In either case, they have not told the whole story. And the whole story is of an disgustingly snobbish potentate who is blinded to the realities of life that the majority of the working population in this country must face.

Or possibly she is just obtuse.

Maybe she is just a yahoo, which reminds me of another yahoo I once knew.

When I was in the fourth grade, I was fairly miserably ensconced in Catholic school with a teacher that we’ll call Mrs. K. (Apparently Nuns were already becoming scarce in the mid-1970’s.) Mrs. K may have been a typical product of the times with regard to teaching style and in methodologies for dealing with 9 and 10 year-old boys, but I thought she was a bitch. (She has only recently been promoted to yahoo.)

Showing the seeds of my interest in aviation at the time, I used to build model airplanes, and my friends and I used to make a day trip on Saturdays that included riding a bus with at least one transfer, and then walking about a mile to get to an obscure hobby shop that had the greatest selection of model airplane kits in the whole world. Obviously times were different. Anyway, one day I was in Mrs. K’s classroom supply closet, and I discovered a cache of the same type of model paints that we used to buy at the hobby shop. These came in little glass bottles, and I think I recall that at the time they sold for about 35 cents each. As a 10-year-old kid with a mid 1970’s budget with which to work, 35 cents was a lot of money, and a trip to the hobby shop with whatever money we had involved careful management of the funds available for a kit, glue, paints, and any other supplies that might be needed. We used to plan accordingly regarding the purchase of generic paint colors like black that could usually be shared, but somehow or another, we never managed to have any yellow. Now we needed yellow paint, or rather I at the time needed some yellow paint because as anyone who knows anything knows that the propeller tips of a model world war two fighter airplane are painted yellow. I don’t remember what I was building at the time, but what I do remember is that in order for it to be accurate I needed some yellow paint, specifically three drops of yellow paint. Given the scale and the size of these things, one drop would have probably done the job.

So with all the courage and mental preparation I could muster, I bravely approached Mrs. K at the end of class one day, struggling to explain myself in the most deferential and polite manner that I could possibly manage, and before I could finish my request to borrow and return the one bottle in question, I was rebuffed with an “absolutely not – blah blah blah.” I don’t remember the rest, but I clearly remember the “absolutely not” part.

I told you she was a bitch.

So, being an enterprising and resourceful young man, I carefully studied the situation, determined my options, and selected the best one.  That’s right, I stole that bottle of yellow paint. Except that I knew that I wasn’t actually stealing it. I was borrowing it for the purpose of stealing one drop, after which I intended to return the bottle. Be assured that this was no small decision on my part. Remember this was Catholic school. In Catholic school you go to church at least twice a week not counting Sundays, where they constantly drill into your head the likelihood of your assured eternal damnation based on your numerous violations of the commandments. One of those commandments said something about this I was sure, but regardless I knew that my request was not unreasonable. What was unreasonable was my bitch of a teacher, and at 10 years old I was not going to accept what I saw as completely unfair treatment by an inept authority figure. The goodwill that she would have instilled in me had she just taken a moment to understand my position might have been life changing had she had the ability to see in such a manner, but like Miss Yahoo, she had no concept of my life, nor any interest in extending a little empathy. She was a yahoo.

When I got home, the bottle of paint proved to be useless, the contents dried to a crisp from not being closed properly. Rather than face the risk of returning the useless article I simply threw the bottle away. Having discussed the borrowing of this paint and the now missing bottle of yellow in particular I knew that I was taking a risk in not returning it but in the end no one ever noticed or if they did they never said anything.

So like Mrs. K, the yahoos of the world in positions of authority may just dictate that everyone show up. And as a result Yahoo may actually be able to measure some increased productivity. But be assured that there are those out there who despite appearances to the contrary will quietly level the playing field one way or another. I’m not advocating theft or embezzlement, not by any means, but this is why it happens. This is why people cheat on their taxes. Inept authority must surely be the biggest motivator for behavior of a less than sincere manner, and in this case the worst of Miss Yahoo’s ineptness is not in the blatant and elitist condescension of her double standard but in her completely obtuse display of her total lack of discretion or worse, her lack of empathy in spite of it.  Maybe she could have had the policy enacted slowly or by certain disciplines or divisions.  Maybe she could have waited until she wasn’t bringing her baby to work. Where Mrs. K could have made a remarkable impact on my opinion of both school and her as an individual and therefore possibly my overall academic performance, her obtuse presence shall we say, only drove me further away, even to the point of theft, and I cannot imagine but that a certain number of Yahoo employees will act in the same manner.

May those among them who wish for more escape the miserable bonds of corporate employment and ultimately realize their dreams. As for me, as an adult I became a pilot, and I no longer go to church.